Harry Potter and the Order of Voldemort's Sex
by Undertow
Summary: Harry Potter discovers life to the fullest! He finds himself sexually, and finds out all the answers to what he's been missing, such as, why the Dursleys hate him, the trouble he finds with Ron and Hermoine, internet trouble, and more!


Note: I don't own any of these characters, nor am I Ms. Rowling, though I wish I were because I would have millions, wait, BILLIONS! Rated R For Sexual Dialogue. and a little drug talk.  
  
Looking through the window, Harry had his fingers through his hair. Fortunately, it was dandruff free. He used Head & Shoulders. But he was very cautious though, as it was the head and the shoulders that caused him to embarrass himself in front of Aunt Petunia and Dudley the last night. I knew all along they were right, Harry just choose not to listen and he didn't understand the reason he was mistreated and beaten. He was too misunderstood, and it wasn't possible to stay consistent with him. Aunt Petunia tried going for the monster as did Aunt Marge. Dudley, Mr. Malfoy, and Draco all tried to do the same. Hell, even Dobby tried to do it. All of the results were different. You'll see.  
  
There Harry stood. He popped in a cigarette and put on the invisible "shit." Then he ran over to Ron's room and lit his cigarette. Ron freaked while Harry laughed invisibly on the floor as if he was a hyena from the Lion King working for Scar, all over his joke. He then used the magical powder to fly over to Malfoy's, still with the invisible "shit" on. Yes, he thought, I'll drop the cigarette there. And he did...  
  
He went back to his own room, flying like Neo from the Matrix, and took off the invisible "shit." He went to Petunia's bathroom and stared at the bottle of Head and Shoulders.  
  
"They tried to fuck me!" he said, talking to the mirror he stared at in the first movie. His eyes flooded with tears, and he took a step back. Back. back. back, until he ran into a figure.  
  
"It feels like a human." He then said, studying the "thing." The reason for his idiotic statement was not because of the amount of pot he smoked, but was because of the CGI done for Dobby in the second movie. Then he noticed it's arms, and legs, and it came to him. "It's a monkey!" He didn't know what it really was.  
  
Let me introduce the monkey. It's really Hermoine, who really is me. I didn't have enough power to kill Harry Potter, but I had enough to make myself appeal to Hermoine. I transformed myself to look like Harry Potter and then I fucked that bitch. I fucked her hard and long. And I turned her into a monkey. Since my mission is to kill Harry Potter and I know from the connections between our wands that he's as sexual as I am, I knew that it'd be easy to inject a poison in him by fucking him.  
  
Hermoine the monkey started touching Harry's dick, with all of the might she had. Harry was sexually intrigued by Hermoine's noises, and it all came together in one big ball. And when I mean ball, I don't mean it in a sex sense, I mean an actual BALL. Ron Weasley came in the room.  
  
"HARRY! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" said Ron. "Do you know who that is?" With that, Hermoine the monkey turned into Hermoine, they're friend.  
"Is it Professor McGonagall?" said Harry.  
"Fucking Bollocks! Your really drunk!" Ron replied. "That's no Hermoine, It's."  
And he sat there stuttering, trying to figure out a way to say this cool dude's name. You know Voldemort.  
"You mean Voldemort?" Harry said.  
"You really have gone MAD! WTF HARRY!"  
  
Okay. so you might wonder how Ron knew. well, I don't know either. I guess we'll have to find out, and you'll have to suffer reading this shit. You might have thought that Ron was mad because Harry said Voldemort, but. your wrong!  
  
"Why have I gone mad? For saying the fuckers name. What kind of fucked up world do we live in. you can't say someone's name? VOLDEMORT VOLDEMORT VOLDEMORT VOLDEMORT! "  
"No.I've adjusted to that." Ron then said, while Harry sighed with a little relief. "It's that.that monkey is mine to fuck, no matter what. You always get the hotties and obscure animals. now it's my turn!"  
"Fine, but you have to attract it first."  
"Fine, I will. I'll put on my pink dress. Obscure animals like obscure things. " Ron said proudly, with a big smile.  
"Ok. you do that."  
"I will. " Ron responded, and the fucker did. 


End file.
